The living of my life has changed, and I am not sure how to live it some days. There are days that the pain is too great. Days that a migraine keeps me on the couch not able to do much of anything. Or days that it's just too hard to move because of the pain.
I am not navigating this new "normal" very well these days. My weight is up. Some of it is excess
inflammation. Some due to just not eating very well. I find food has become a "comfort" for me in spite of the added pain it may cause. And frankly I am having a hard time saying no to a bit of comfort when life feels so shitty.
And I really hate that this is what I am blogging about. I don't want to be one of those people that only talk about how they are feeling...or how bad they are feeling. But this is what I am living right now.
I began a new journal. I am asking myself to not pull back from the hard questions. I am asking myself to be as honest with myself as I can be. (we can be good at keeping truth even from ourselves when we don't want to see it)
I am figuring out how to pace myself. To be gentle with myself, but not be lazy...which I am finding it easy to be in the pain. It's easy to just do nothing when one feels so bad. There are things I can be doing...maybe at a slower pace, but still doing.
Life is a gift not to be wasted. Life is a gift to be lived fully. Even if my fully looks different than someone else's fully, or even my previous fully.
Grace, peace and love to you my friends!
My house is a mess.
The houses I live in.
Both the structure and my body.
My home is being painted, inside and out.
We have had to pack up the rooms...imagine packing up my studio...and the kitchen...and the mud/laundry room!!
When the painting is complete, the putting back together will be like moving in all over again.
Yes, it will be beautiful and purged and organized when all is done, but for now it is a mess.
I feel like the house my soul lives in, is in disorder as well.
It is diseased (Lyme) full of inflammation and pain. And I am not caring for it as I should or could!
Especially these past two weeks during the painting. With the kitchen packed up we have had to eat every meal out or brought in. And it has given me the excuse to eat, pardon my french, shit!!! Or should I say more shit, since I had not been eating great even before.
I kept a few paints and a journal from the packed stuff...always need to be able to paint a journal page or two. I worked on this one over the week. I really do wonder why I make the choices I do concerning my eating. Why do I continually choose to eat the things that will cause my body to hurt? I know from experience that when I eat healthy my body feels and looks better. Is it a lack of will power? Yes, but it's more than that.
Life has been hard for a long time...eating things that taste good feels good in the moment. Am I really willing to give up the best I could be for a moment of pleasure?
Well, it seems I am!
I am trying to understand my heart in this. It's a tricky thing, delving into the why behind it all.
It seems the house that my soul lives in needs some purging and re-organizing and some fresh paint.
And possibly my heart and soul...where the root of it all lies.
So as I digest the chicken biscuit I had for breakfast I will continue to ask and answer these questions. And in asking the questions maybe I become a little more aware of each choice I make.
There may be those of you out there that will just say, "Just stop eating the crap!" If it is that easy for you, count your blessings - thank your lucky stars - thank GOD! But for many, this is a HUGE struggle!
I am not talking about being fat or thin here...yes, they go hand in hand, but I am talking about knowing in our heads what our bodies need to be healthy, and choosing the thing that does not because it tastes good, or is easier, or for some reason makes our heart feel better in the moment.
What's for lunch???
I love this writing by Henri Houwen. There is a balance between feeling and experiencing the pain in our lives and ignoring it altogether. We must feel and experience it to get to the other side of it.
Yesterday I sat in my studio, lovely music playing by Olafur Arnalds, have you heard him? His Living Rooms Songs, so soothing. So as my house was being packed up once again in preparation for another movie being filmed here I listened and painted backgrounds in my everyday journal.
I had forgotten myself in the process of finding me...
There are so many ways of seeing. And you can find them all over the place with one click of a button. Websites, Blogs, Facebook, Instagram, YouTube...so much eye candy for our eyes to feast on. And I love to look at all at it all. And it can get confusing. I see so much wonderful art. I see something I like, and because I am not confident in myself as an artist or my own style I try to copy someone else's style. It's okay to try new things, take classes, and even add new things to you, but don't we need to be careful not to lose who we are too? I think I have done that. This morning I realized I had forgotten what I really liked. I had forgotten what felt good to my hands and heart as I created.
I see "me" in these pages I created this morning. I see the messy-ness, spray paint, scribbles, words...I even see a few things I have picked up along my journey, but incorporated with my style.
I wonder, will my style always look like this? I wonder, doesn't our craft, art, grow and change along the way? I wonder, will I like this way of working next year, or month or even day? And I am not sure I know the answers, but I know creating this morning felt different. I worked faster, I worked less worried about what the outcome would be. I worked without much thought at all really...just grabbed what was around me. And then I wonder if I am copping out. Did I like this way of creating because it was comfortable to me? Sometimes it needs to be uncomfortable in order to grow.
Here's the thing I do know. I can get overloaded with all that I see and I forget myself. I forgot why I began visual journaling and painting to begin with. It was to see my heart at a deeper level, a different angle. To peel back the layers and see what was hidden. Somehow creativity helps me to do that.
You may be saying to yourself, woman, you are over-thinking all of this! And you may be right! lol I tend to do that from time to time. I like to get to the why of things. And asking questions is a good way to do that. It's good to ask questions. Sometimes we don't ask enough.
So here I am, with more questions than answers...but I believe the answers will come...at least the ones that matter.